A Dirty Selfish Rant

It would be no understatement to say that I haven't exactly been myself lately. I've felt completely lost ever since I started back at college and for the last 3 months I have pondered ferociously at what exactly it is that bothers me.
Various reasons, most of them ridiculous, were conjured up. To list a few, I was lonely. I felt extremely distanced from pretty much all of my friends. One very good friend I had begun to loose total contact with a never saw as once I started college. Another best friend was more interested in his new group of friends with a particular style and I never saw him. One has become unexciting to be with and the other I would only ever talk business with. Being at work all weekend meant that I spent my whole week either at work or college. So as i was distancing from my friends at college, I was also very rarely at work compared to how I was in the holiday, so people at work rarely saw me and weren't bothered.
I've been unbelievably tired, due to total fault of my own. I have been totally unmotivated with college because of shit teachers, terribly college planning that the fact that no matter how hard I tried, I would consistently fail to be on time. As a result I drew the conclusion that regardless of what time I arrive, my teacher will never think "Oh he's late! But he tried". Whether I'm 15 minutes late, or 30 minutes late to the teacher I am still late. I was also incredibly behind with most of my work and this didn't help.
Setting up a business with a good friend also meant that all of my spare time, effort and hard earned cash was going straight into that. It was draining.
I have had a series of health worries lately, mainly the existence of constant migraine type lights constantly in my eyes, and just a small selection of various other little things that happened that just made everything feel shit and pointless.
I could give a list of all the different reason, but I wont drag this out.

So basically, this week, things really have been looking up, and I'm feeling a little better. Friends who previously seemed too preoccupied have seemed to actually want to spend time with me now, which is something I like the idea of. After attending a training session at work on Monday night, I really feel like I need to pull my finger out. Not because I want to be the bosses bitch, but because I actually want to be a decent, valued member of the team again, and feel like I'm actually good at my job. Lately I have just gone in, done my shift with minimal effort and gone home. So as of tomorrow I'm going to try and be the employee I was 6 months ago and start feeling like I'm worth of such sought after job, because I do love my job, and I'm grateful to have it.
I've start actually getting to college on time, kind of, and I was given an extra week to finish graphics work.

Another annoying, stupid little thing that's been making me feel weird is my style. Ever since the summer ended and sort of around the time things really started to kick off with the businesses, I have felt this dying urge to not look like an "indie kid". I want people to see me walking down the street and know what kind of music I actually listen to, rather than think I look like a trendy indie kid. I've basically been trying to pursue some sort of alternative, slightly hardcore look, like I used to about 3 years ago. Why?
I've really only just to ask myself that. I tell you why I was so happy with myself during the summer, because I was just happy with how I was dressing. I stuck of what I wanted and I felt good all the time. I've become too conscious of how people perceive and there's really no need. I just need to dress in what I like and what I think looks cool. I know what I like and it's what makes me happy. If I can't pull of a style, I can't pull it off and I'm not going to try, because come one, me, hardcore. Fuck off.

So, my basic point to this whole selfish rant is that things are looking up. I'm amending what needs to be amended. I'm waking myself up and flying right. Because I need to enjoy this Christmas and get back to who I was.